
Uncertainty about your relationship can be tormenting. Romantic relationships are often complicated and most long-term relationships experience bouts of doubt, rocky times, or even deep uncertainty. However, there can come a time where the doubt about staying together is so profound or impacting you so much that you need to find an answer as to whether or not you want to or can continue your relationship. If you and your partner have talked it through countless times and still don’t have an answer and you have thought yourself into a hole without any relief, it may be time to get professional support through discernment counseling to decide whether or not to continue your relationship.
What is discernment counseling? Discernment counseling is a process that helps a couple gain clarity on whether they want to work to try to save their relationship or if they are ready to end the relationship. In discernment counseling both parties are aware that there are issues and one or both people are uncertain if they want to continue the relationship. This process is different from couples therapy in that it is not about trying to heal the relationship, but rather is specifically meant to help couples decide on whether or not to continue their relationship. If couples decide to continue their relationship, the discernment therapist can help them continue with couples therapy.
What does discernment counseling look like? In discernment counseling couples meet together with the therapist for the first appointment so that the therapist can understand the situation. From there, the couple meets in blocks of time divided into three parts: in parts one and two the therapist meets individually with each person and in part three the therapist meets back together with both people to explore what was discussed. Discernment counseling continues until both partners are either sure that they want to continue the relationship or when one partner, or both, is sure that they want to end the relationship.
Individual sessions- Parts 1 and 2: In your individual sessions the therapist will guide you to thoroughly explore what it would look like to continue the relationship versus end the relationship through asking helpful open-ended questions. This process is meant to assist you in deepening your logical and emotional understanding of how you may be impacted if you were to stay or leave your relationship. The therapist will help you delve into many possible scenarios in a way that is supportive and curious, without intending to lead you to any particular answer. The process of exploring possibilities with a non-judgemental expert can help you see more clearly how you want to proceed.
At the end of your block of time together, the therapist will seek clarity on where you stand in your understanding of wanting to continue the relationship. You will be in one of three spots - sure you want to stay, sure you want to leave, or still uncertain. This information is gathered from both partners at the end of the individual time and is used to inform the third part of the session.
What do you do with this new information gained and decisions made during parts one and two of discernment? Part 3: When you come back together in part three of the session, the therapist will help the couple explain what they learned and what decisions have been made, if any.
If one or both of you is still uncertain, this will be explained and discussed and then another discernment session will be scheduled. Discernment sessions are scheduled until certainty is achieved. Oftentimes, it takes a few discernment sessions before enough clarity is gathered where both people can say for certain what they want to do.
If this process has led to both of you being sure you want to move forward, next steps will be discussed, such as finding you a couples therapist or discussing what you want to work on to make the relationship feel better. To be clear, deciding you want to continue the relationship does not have to mean that you are certain that the relationship will work, only that you are sure that you want to try to make it work.
And lastly, if one partner, or both, has decided that the relationship is over, the therapist facilitates this being shared, makes space for the grief, and then supports the couples in connecting with additional resources including divorce mediation or individual therapy. This is often a very hard part for the couple but is often accompanied with a great sense of peace knowing that you have made a thoughtful, informed, and supported decision where all possibilities have been explored.
Overall, engaging in discernment counseling creates a safe, supportive, and non-judgemental space for both you and your partner to clear any uncertainty you have about wanting to stay in your relationship or not. Additionally, discernment counseling is often a great low-commitment way to meet with a therapist who will be able to connect you to the supports you need once a decision is made.
Please feel free to reach out to me if you would like to know more about getting started with this process.
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