Setting Boundaries - How To

Setting new boundaries is about establishing what is acceptable to you, not about changing the behavior of someone else.

Boundaries tend to be set in two ways:

1) Establishing a new behavior you show to another person.

2) Asking for something to be different in the relationship and then choosing how to respond if the person does not respect your request.

Here are some examples of each that follow the examples in my prior two blogs about boundaries and their importance:

Establishing a new behavior: You usually go to family dinner every Sunday even when you do not want to. The new boundary may look like choosing to tell your family that you love coming to family dinner on Sunday but that some weekends you want to rest. You inform them that you will let them know each Friday whether or not you can make it.

If the new behavior is accepted without issue, then you're in the clear. However, if the new behavior is met with something that is unacceptable or hurtful, such as you get a guilt trip or told you are ungrateful, you may find yourself in the second category of needing to ask for something to be different.

Asking for something to be different: You realize that your friend yelling during disagreements is really upsetting you. You tell him that in order to feel safe in this relationship, you need him to stop yelling when you disagree. You can choose to be explicit about what will happen if he continues to yell, if you want. You may say "If you continue to raise your voice when we disagree, I will leave" as an example. You may also choose to not be explicit and decide later.

“But didn’t you say at the beginning that boundaries are not about changing other people’s behaviors?! You just asked them to do something differently.” You’re right. We can ask for what we need or want in a relationship, but we cannot control how the other person responds. Asking for something in the relationship to be different and realizing that we can only control our responses is often trickier so I will elaborate more thoroughly on that example below.

Wondering how people are going to respond to our new boundary is often the scariest and hardest part. What does it mean if the person continues to yell at us when we have a disagreement? What does it mean if our parents get upset that we’re not coming on Sunday? This is where we must recognize the limits of boundaries and do our own personal work. We have to be able to tolerate that someone might be upset with us and we have to decide what the consequences are of them being upset.

Here are some questions you might want to ask yourself before choosing to set a new boundary:

1. Is this something I need to be different to have less resentment in the relationship, or can I let this go? 

2. What will I do if the person does not respect my boundary? 

3. Can I stick to this boundary even if the person gets upset at me? 

There are no right or wrong answers here. The answers and what they mean to you are entirely subjective to your experience.

If you would like to know more about how to best consider each question, read more in my next blog on what to expect when setting boundaries.