Boundaries are extremely important to creating healthy and sustainable relationships.
What is a boundary? A boundary is a line, real or invisible, that marks the limits of an area. We encounter physical boundaries every day - a double yellow line divides the road, a fence defines two properties, and a doorway delineates two spaces. A psychological boundary similarly demarcates some sort of limit in a relationship. According to the American Psychological Association, a psychological boundary “protects the integrity of an individual or group or helps the person or group set realistic limits on participation in a relationship or activity.”
So, what happens when we don’t have good boundaries and instead believe that we do not have choices in our important relationships? The answer: Resentment and an overall breakdown of the relationship.
The recipe for poor boundaries leading to resentment is as follows:
Something in the relationship is negatively impacting you
You don’t feel as if you have an option for change without conflict
You avoid setting a boundary (e.g., asking a friend to stop yelling or telling your parents you can’t make it to dinner) in an attempt the avoid conflict and continue the status quo
You feel increasingly upset, resentful, and maybe even angry at the other person
The issue eventually impacts the relationship negatively
However, we always have a choice and option to ask for change. While a boundary may upset the relationship in the short term, it usually leads to a more close relationship in the long-term.
Examples:
These are examples of situations that could make you feel like you don’t have a choice in a relationship, lead to resentment, and ultimately negatively impact the relationship.
Dinner with Mom and Dad: Every Sunday you go to family dinner. Recently, you’ve been busy with extra work projects and rarely have time to rest. By Sunday you are exhausted and need a break. However, you feel you have to go to your parents’ for dinner because they would be upset if you didn’t go. You do not want them upset, of course. You feel you don’t have a choice so you go to dinner even though you need rest. You feel angry at your parents for “making” you come over and on Monday morning you are exhausted and burnt out. This cycle repeats every weekend and eventually you snap at them and start a fight. You wish you would have told them you couldn’t come to dinner once in a while instead of fighting . You didn’t want to upset them in the beginning, but now the relationship feels really fraught.
Disagreement with a friend: You and your best friend agree on most things, but every once in a while you have a major difference in opinions. Recently, you have noticed that when you disagree about something, your friend begins to raise his voice to make a point. This scares you. You don’t like being yelled at and you can’t always predict what will be a disagreement. However, you don’t want to upset your friend further by telling him that the yelling scares you. Instead, you start to make excuses for why you can’t hang out to avoid conflict. You wish you would have asked him if he could communicate differently when this started but now you miss him and wonder if you are still even friends.
No matter if the cause of the issue is something that the other person is doing (e.g., raising their voice) or just a situation where you don’t feel you have a choice (e.g., going to Sunday dinner), when you do not set a realistic limit to protect yourself and your relationship, it is a recipe for relationship deterioration.
Through trying to avoid conflict and therefore not boundary setting, the relationship is impacted in the long-term anyways. Though it can be scary to set new boundaries when they may create upset in the short-term, setting limits in the end will almost always lead to healthier and happier relationships.
Want to know more about boundaries and how and when to implement them? Read more in my next blog.
Blog written by Dr. Samantha Wagner
References:
American Psychological Association. (2019, April 19). Apa Dictionary of Psychology. American Psychological Association. https://dictionary.apa.org/boundary
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