My last post explored what to consider when setting boundaries and discussed three questions you may ask yourself when choosing if setting a new boundary is right for your relationship:
Is this something I need to be different to have less resentment in the relationship, or can I let this go?
What will I do if the person does not respect my boundary?
Can I stick to this boundary even if the person gets upset at me?
As discussed, these questions are often tough to answer as there are no right or wrong answers. The only answer that is right is the one that works for you, your life, and your relationships. For those who want certainty and to know that they are making the right decision, this can raise a lot of anxiety. Unfortunately, we just don't know how others are going to respond.
However, we can go through each question in a bit more depth to help make our decision*.
*For each question, I will use the example of you wanting your friend to stop yelling each time there is a disagreement. Read more in prior posts if you would like more context.
Can I let this go or do I need to have this conversation? If it is a small issue that has happened once, perhaps you can let it go. Alternatively, perhaps you address it immediately, before it builds into something larger. If it is a recurrent issue and you're feeling less close because of, then it is likely important to address. It is often healthy to give others a chance to correct their actions before issues impact us enough that we leave a relationship. However, if you've already decided that the relationship is unhealthy and that you no longer want to be a part of it, it is equally valid to end the relationships without addressing the reason why. That, in and of itself, is a boundary. It is simply a boundary without discussion.
Your friend yelling may not actually bother you that much, it may just frustrate you. Alternatively, your friend yelling may make you feel very scared and upset and impact your willingness to see your friend. If you feel that you cannot tell him about needing things to be different, do you feel like the relationship will be impacted? And if it is impacted, are you ok with having a less close relationship or possibly needing to leave the relationship?
What will I do if the person does not respect my boundary? Again, this is a decision only you can make. You have a lot of different choices depending on how hard you want to work to preserve the relationship. You can start by restating a boundary set before, you can elaborate on what consequence will follow if they cross the boundary again, you can follow through with an already stated consequence, or you can simply enact a consequence. If the boundary is being set with someone who is important to you, I do not recommend that the first consequence be ending the relationship. Remember, if you haven’t been using a new boundary before, it’s possible that a reminder is needed. However, in the case of something severe and unacceptable, such as abuse, ending the relationship after a single boundary crossing may be necessary.
You’ve asked your friend to not yell during disagreements and here they are, yelling again. An excellent option is to reiterate the boundary with what will happen if they cross it again. “Last time you yelled I told you that it made me feel unsafe and now you’re yelling again. For me to stay in this conversation I’m going to need you to stop yelling or I will walk away from the conversation.” You could also choose to not verbalize the reminder and simply walk away. You might choose to discuss it later when your friend asks why you walked away.
If the same boundary is repeatedly violated, you may have to ask yourself what is needed in the relationship. This is often when we consider changing the closeness of our relationship or ending it all together. Choosing how you want to proceed with the relationship can happen after one or many boundary crossings and you can change your mind as time goes on.
If this person is upset at me, can I stick to the boundary? And does it matter if I do? Sticking to boundaries takes a lot of practice and will likely lead to unexpected emotions - sometimes yours and sometimes theirs. I would encourage you to anticipate that others will react in some way when you set a new boundary. Even if they are not mad or upset, they may be confused and act strangely. They may ask why all of the sudden this matters or dismiss you in some way. It can help to have some grace for their response. Afterall, you are changing an expectation after being okay with a certain behavior before, perhaps even for years.
Imagine that your friend's response to you reminding them that you don't want to be yelled at is to say "Wow, okay. When did you become so sensitive? It's not even that big of a deal and you're acting like it's the end of the world." OUCH. I'm not justifying their reaction in any way (and in fact this may be an opportunity to set another boundary...) However, I am saying that a "bad" reaction does not mean that you set an unreasonable boundary or that the relationship is over. It may simply be a growing pain in establishing this different and healthier way of being together.
Boundary setting is something that takes practice but has the likelihood of really benefiting you and your relationship in the long-run. You will start to realize that you have more choices with people and more choices in your relationships. Not setting a boundary is a choice. Recognizing this usually helps relieve the resentment that builds from feeling that you have no choice. You will likely see resentment start to wash away and you will feel lighter over time.
Just because something has been a certain way for years does not mean that it has to stay that way. Boundaries are often easier said than done. We all often need support to learn a new skill. If you are looking for support on how to get started implementing better boundaries or how to deal with the emotions that come with them, you may benefit from contacting a therapist. Therapists who specialize in relationship dynamics and boundaries will be able to help you fine-tune your boundary setting to achieve healthier and happier relationships.
If you want to know more about boundaries, read more in my prior blogs about what boundaries are and why a lack of them leads to resentment in the relationship.
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